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A Quick Story About Trying Too Hard

The dirty little secret of my life, and one that i am genuinely embarrassed about - is that i have spent probably 99% of my mental and emotional energy trying to fit into popular social groups, despite overwhelming evidence that I simply do not fit in with any kind of group that require popular consensus.

I have always been very neuro-atypical and have zero ability to combine the collective incentives and instincts and culture. I also simply do not see eye to eye with the vast majority of people on how the world works and how things should be done - since young to now, whether it is in middle school, high school, college, the valley - I have never been able to fit into the prevailing mindset and zeitgeist, and most of the time just think it is dumb af.

As a result, whenever I am in any kind of group, others will very rapidly “fit” me out anyway. Everytime I constantly tried to enter a social group, have semi success initially, than rapidly being outcasted to the point of utter contempt by the entire school.

The funniest story was when my entire middle school class organised a class party, and made it a point to secretly pass around messages with the note that everyone was invited but me. Including the teacher, who had similar instructions too. LOL. And when a stupid guy missed the memo and told me (it was actually pretty impressive how almost everyone got the memo, people just really dislike me), I was extremely hurt and showed up anyway to the surprise of everyone, of which a group of the popular kids then tried to throw me into the pool, but I punched them and ran away crying.

This has led to a very unhappy and traumatic childhood, where I kept on trying and trying and trying and trying but always failing and failing and failing to hilariously disastrous effects. It was almost I will always do something to make the everyone turn against me.

Of course, a defence mechanism surfaced over time where I simply distanced myself from any group of any kind, choosing to be be a loner and professsing my strong dislike for being in a group of any kind. Of course, this is all a front.

The other defence mechanism that emerged was one where I simply blended in and did not stand out. I mean, if no one can hear you, you cannot offend anyone right? And if no one can see you, they cannot attack you.

This need to fit in extends far beyond being in social groups, I am also deeply susceptible to trying to fit into societal norms of being a good partner, conventionally attractive, being nice, and also my own expectations of being excellent and productive and all that jizz and bang.

Of course, much like a closeted pastors often put on the anti-gay messages, I am just a closeted person who hide my tremendous need for validation and love from the public consensus behind a face of grumpiness and isolation. I am rather afraid to offend people with sharp opinions, incessantly worry about how my words might cause me a world of pain, afraid of making people upset, worried about how people would think of me.

Yet, I think the hard shell created by of adolescent conditioning is starting to crack. My desire to freely share, articulate strong points, call things out for what they are, to build my own beacon is getting stronger everyday, knocking at the shell.

It has not cracked yet, but I think it will. When it does, I will finally realise emotionally and spiritually that I am really, really not meant to fit in, reassure my inner child that it is ok to come out and be myself.

When that happens, the shell might go from being the thing that holds me in to the thing that protects me and free myself to be me.

That’ll my sweet, wouldn’t it? :)